Conflict is natural. Drama is optional.

I have a special knack for helping senior leaders address disruptive behavior in hospitals and clinics, and to do it in a way that repairs relationships and restores trust among highly educated, strongly opinionated, hard-to-replace team members, like surgeons and chief officers.

Many people find “disruptive” physicians, APPs and executives to be intimidating, but I don’t.

In fact, I consider it a special privilege to help “disruptive” people who are on the verge of losing their jobs regain trust with their employers, repair relationships with their colleagues, and restore pleasure in their work.

Now that I understand the role of the survival response in disruptive behavior, these are some of my very favorite people to work with (people whose primary survival response is Fight).

They usually begin our coaching relationship expecting to receive more judgment or to hear they need to change their personality in order to succeed as a provider or a senior leader (they don’t!). 

Instead, what they get from me is compassion and also logic: a clear explanation of what’s going on in their nervous system, how it impacts their communication with others, and how to resolve it.

This enables them to keep their job, repair their relationships, and focus on the work they love doing, instead of being drained by interpersonal drama. Finally.

And as their leader, you'll come to understand what's really going on when tensions rise, so you can stop dreading conflict and start driving results. 

How I Learned This the Hard Way

Before I ever coached a senior leader through resolving conflict, burnout, or disruptive behavior, I lived in survival mode myself, for decades.

Well into my 40s, I lived with a constant fear of disappointing someone: my boss, my employees, my friends, my parents, strangers, my dog…pretty much anyone.

I was a high-achieving, self-sacrificing leader who cared about people deeply, while privately suffering from perfectionism, relentless self-criticism, and the belief that it wasn’t safe to reveal what I didn’t know.

My self-talk pushed me to excel, but also to stay on guard, bracing for criticism:
“It’s all up to me.”
“If I ask for help, people will think I’m incompetent.”
“If I say what I really think, I’ll be rejected.”

So I stayed quiet when my leaders’ actions contradicted my values.
I avoided conflict to keep the peace.
I placated others the moment tensions rose.

And later, alone, I alternated between scrutinizing what must be wrong with me to cause me to be so bothered by it all…and berating myself for not speaking my mind.

Diligence and people-pleasing carried me through my early management roles, but when I became a director at a high tech startup fresh out of business school, I hit a wall.

It became painfully obvious that my leadership career would not advance, and I would be miserable, unless I stopped avoiding conflict and learned to communicate honestly.

In my first week as the Director of Human Resources, the CEO of that startup told me, “Your assistant has been a serious problem for the last three years. We cannot stand her.”

He angrily described several egregious errors the assistant had made, and when I asked him when he had addressed the performance issues, he said, “We didn't want to make a scene. We really needed her help, so we didn’t talk to her about them. We need you to fire her.”

While I listened to the CEO, I felt myself getting more and more anxious. It was hard for me to pause and take a breath. My stomach was in knots and my mind was racing with questions and opinions about the situation, but I remained silent. 

Twenty-five years later, I now know I was going into a fight-or-flight state, but at the time, I didn't understand that. 

I just thought, “Whoa! This is a serious problem. He expects me to fix it. He trusts me to fix it. I’d better fix it.”

I didn't pause to consider how holding this new-to-me employee accountable for behaviors I hadn’t observed and expectations I hadn’t established might impact my credibility as a leader. I ignored that it didn’t feel like the right thing to do.

The compulsion to please my CEO and avoid his disapproval drove me to violate my own wisdom and values.

Two days later, I met with the employee. 

She was shocked. She was confused. And she was sad. There was nothing I could say to make it better. I hadn’t built trust with her yet. Nothing I could say would justify me addressing her performance instead of her long-time leader.

After that meeting, she went to her peers and bitterly complained about how unfair her new leader, Annie, was. 

I never recovered the chance to build trust with the rest of the team in that organization.

And the CEO never recovered the chance to build trust with me. 

I left a year later, determined never to lead from fear of disapproval again.

That experience taught me how damaging it is — to everyone involved — when a leader avoids conflict for years and then expects someone else to manage performance on their behalf.

It also taught me how easy it is to override my intuition when I’m afraid of disappointing someone in authority. 

My determination to grow as a leader sparked decades of learning, healing, and practice, enabling me to trust myself, communicate clearly under pressure, and lead in a way that sustains my well-being.

What emerged from that growth, together with 20 years of executive coaching in five US health systems, became my Four Pillars of Trauma-Informed Leadership. They'll help you build the internal steadiness you need to handle tough conversations, embody your values, and lead in a way that protects your well-being and strengthens your team.

My Four Pillars of Trauma-Informed Leadership

1. GET TO KNOW YOUR SURVIVAL RESPONSE

• So you can recognize it sooner, before it harms your well-being, your relationships, or your career

2. LEARN HOW TO CALM YOUR SURVIVAL RESPONSE IN-THE-MOMENT

• So your leadership presence will inspire trust 
• So you can communicate clearly and confidently
• So you can help others calm their survival responses when tension spikes 

3. BECOME FRIENDS WITH YOUR TRAUMA RESPONSES (habitual, survival-based behavior patterns)

• So you can recognize when they begin to override your authentic self with protective behaviors that seem like your personality, but aren’t
• So they no longer derail your leadership effectiveness or your personal relationships
  

4. SAY WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN

• Be honest and authentic, without any attempt to dominate, manipulate, or appease another person
• So people will trust you, listen to you, and want to follow your leadership
• So you can stop waking up at 2am wishing you’d said something different

The Fun Stuff

A few things that make me me.

After moving more than 50 times during my first 50 years of life, I'm happily homesteading in New Hampshire with my husband, Christopher, discovering the true joy of scraping fascia & digging up our very own potatoes.

Potatoes. I love them. I eat them every day. If you've never experienced the creamy goodness of a Japanese Sweet Potato with blueberries, you're in for a treat!

My 1920 Roth cello is one of my dearest possessions. After 15 years of telling myself "One day I'll play again," that day has finally arrived.

Nothing calms my super-sensitive nervous system more than being outside. The view of Montana's Mission Mountains from my parents' deck is one of my favorites.

On my desk you'll find other nervous system friends, like my big rose quartz heart, George the bear, and two Positive Potatoes.

Find me reading by the lake and there's a 99% chance the book will be by Jane Austin, Paolo Coelho, or Esther & Jerry Hicks