The Moment That Made Difficult Conversations Easier

(For Me & the Leaders I Coach)

Today, I have more than 20 years of experience helping hundreds of healthcare directors, executives, and clinicians communicate effectively, but before I ever helped a senior leader handle difficult conversations, burnout, or disruptive behavior, I lived in survival mode and anxiously avoided conflict for decades.

Well into my 40s, I was plagued by a constant fear of disappointing someone: my boss, my employees, my friends, my parents, strangers, my dog…pretty much anyone.

I was a high-achieving, self-sacrificing leader who cared about people deeply, while privately suffering from perfectionism, relentless self-criticism, and the belief that it wasn’t safe to reveal what I didn’t know.

My self-talk pushed me to excel, but also to stay on guard, bracing for criticism:
“It’s all up to me.”
“If I ask for help, people will think I’m incompetent.”
“If I say what I really think, I’ll get in trouble.”

So I stayed quiet when my leaders’ actions contradicted my values.
I avoided conflict to keep the peace.

Diligence and people-pleasing carried me through my early management roles, to becoming a director at a high-tech startup, my new MBA in hand. 

In my first week as Director of Human Resources, the CEO of that startup told me, “Your assistant has been a serious problem for the last three years. We cannot stand her.”

He angrily described several egregious errors the assistant had made, and when I asked him when he had addressed the performance issues, he said, “We didn't want to make a scene. We really needed her help, so we didn’t talk to her about them. We need you to fire her.”

While I listened to the CEO, I felt myself getting more and more anxious. My stomach was in knots and my mind raced with questions and opinions about the situation, but I remained silent. 

Twenty-five years later, I now realize I was in a bit of a freeze survival state, but at the time, I didn't understand that. 

I just thought, “Whoa! This is a serious problem. He expects me to fix it. He trusts me to fix it. I’d better fix it.”

I didn't pause to consider how holding this new-to-me employee accountable for behaviors I hadn’t observed and expectations I hadn’t established might impact my credibility as a leader.

I ignored the inner nudge that told me it wasn't the right thing to do.

The compulsion to please my CEO and avoid his disapproval drove me to violate my own wisdom and values.

Two days later, I met with the employee. 

She was shocked. She was confused. And she was sad. There was nothing I could say to make it better.

I hadn’t built trust with her yet.

Nothing I could say would justify me addressing her performance instead of her long-time leader.

After that meeting, she went to her peers and bitterly complained about how unfair her new leader, Annie, was. 

I never recovered the chance to build trust with the rest of the team.

And the CEO never recovered the chance to build trust with me. 

It became painfully obvious that my leadership career would not advance — and I would be miserable — unless I stopped avoiding conflict and learned to communicate honestly.

A year later, I left the organization, determined never to lead from fear of disapproval again.

That experience taught me how damaging it is (to everyone involved) when a leader avoids conflict and then expects someone else to manage performance on their behalf.

It also showed me how natural it seemed to override my intuition and my voice when I was afraid of disappointing someone in authority. 

My determination to grow as a leader sparked decades of learning, healing, and practice, enabling me to trust myself, communicate clearly under pressure, and lead in a way that sustains my own well-being.

What emerged from that growth, together with 20 years of leadership coaching in five US health systems, became my Four Pillars of Drama-Free Communication.

They'll help you build the internal steadiness you need to handle tough conversations, embody your values, and lead in ways that protect your well-being and strengthen your team.

They'll also help reactive, high-impact team members—including physicians and senior executives—repair strained relationships and rebuild trust with colleagues & patients.

 My Four Pillars of Drama-Free Communication

Every program I offer helps you put these into practice.

1. GET TO KNOW YOUR SURVIVAL RESPONSE

• so you can recognize it sooner, before it harms your well-being, your relationships, or your career

2. CALM SURVIVAL IN-THE-MOMENT

• so you can relax and your leadership presence will inspire trust 
• so you can help others calm their survival responses when tension spikes 

3. MANAGE YOUR PROTECTIVE PATTERNS (habitual, survival-driven behavior patterns, like people-pleasing and overly blunt communication)

• so they won't override your authentic self with reactive behaviors that feel like your personality, but aren’t
• so they won't derail your leadership effectiveness, your patient care, or your personal relationships

4. COMMUNICATE CLEARLY

• so people can trust you, listen to you, be honest with you, and eagerly follow your leadership
• so you can stop waking up at 2am wishing you had said something different

Why Healthcare

I’m on a mission to help people know - really know -
they are valuable, powerful, and loved.

That mission has guided me ever since I attended a weekend workshop during my PhD program in Austin, Texas, back in 2004. 

I was researching hope in the workplace with nurses — people who I thought were expected (by pretty much everyone) to nurture hope in others, and who (I suspected) weren’t always nurtured by their organizations.

Through my study, I came to understand something profound: so many dedicated clinicians and healthcare leaders pour their energy into caring for others at the expense of their own well-being.

Over time, that constant giving leaves even the most committed professionals feeling drained, irritable, and disconnected from their purpose. Communication starts to break down, and people end up pointing fingers while everyone, exhaustedly, is just trying to do their best for patients.

In other words…Not valued. Powerless. Not loved.

That realization, paired with my mission, shifted the trajectory of my career. After 10 years leading and training teams in the hotel industry, I felt compelled to care for the people (leaders) who care for the people (healthcare teams) who care for all people during the most vulnerable moments of our lives.

Over the past 20+ years, I’ve helped hundreds of clinicians and senior leaders
renew their energy and
empower themselves to communicate effectively,
even when the stakes are high.

Here's one example...

When I met him, a chief medical officer was at his wits end, not wanting to lose a hard-to-replace physician, yet hearing daily how the physician's explosive communication was wreaking havoc. Nurses were afraid to ask questions, fellow providers didn't trust his decisions, and patients were leaving his practice.

I helped the CMO prepare to hold an accountability conversation with the physician, which included very clear expectations as well as the opportunity to receive coaching with me, to help him improve his communication.

The "disruptive" physician came to his first coaching session angry and panicked that his career was hanging by a thread (because it was). 

Within four weeks of understanding his survival response and learning how to communicate without bracing for attack, he began to rebuild trust with his team. 

In time, he repaired relationships with his nurses, the clinic manager, APPs, physicians, even his spouse. Patient satisfaction improved and the CMO finally had the space to focus on other priorities waiting for his attention.

Stories like theirs are why I do this work.