Why is communication so hard?!? Most of us have wanted to shout that from the rooftops at least once in our lives. I know I have, and effective communication is my area of expertise! When communication seems hard, it is because we are focusing on what's outside of ourselves. We might try to memorize personality types, body language tips and role playing scripts, or we might spend hours analyzing our own and other people's words and actions, trying to predict what will happen next. It's exhausting - and confusing!
I created The Communication Iceberg to make communication easier. It is a very simple tool that can help you to quickly figure out...
- What is driving interpersonal conflict;
- What is behind your own frustration, fear or overwhelm; and
- Where to focus your energy in order to get what you want (e.g., resolve conflict, build relationships, feel better, or get stuff done)
90% of what's really going on in communication occurs within ourselves. The top of the iceberg represents what is obvious in communication - what is observable from the outside. Words and Actions, whether written, spoken, acted out in person or by video, are obvious. For example, "Annie arrived to work at 8:00am and she did not smile at me after I said Hello."
Although Actions and Words are obvious, their meaning is not. Even if you are sure you know why another person acting a certain way, you won't really know unless you ask them (hint: It's never actually about you!).