Ep 13: Reset Before You React: A Nurse Practitioner's Journey to Calmer Conversations | Ally McLean

What if pausing for just 90 seconds could completely change the way you communicate? Well, it can! 

I'm revealing my trauma-informed, science-backed technique The 90-Second Reset, and we'll hear from my coaching client Ally, a nurse practitioner who used it to transform her communication in high-stress healthcare situations.

We're busting the biggest misconception about effective communication, and showing how to calm your nervous system before a tough conversation, so you can shift out of survival mode and communicate with clarity—without changing your personality.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• Why your internal state matters more than your words in high-stakes conversations
• How the 90-Second Reset helps calm your nervous system so you can respond instead of react
• A real-life story from Ally, a nurse practitioner who used this tool to rebuild difficult workplace relationships
• Simple phrases that support emotional safety and connection
• How to apply this practice with coworkers, partners, kids—or anyone you care about

Other Episodes You'll Enjoy:

• The Secret to Feedback That Turns Conflict into Connection
• Q+A | How to Stop Fear-Based Decisions: 3 Steps to Clarity & Confidence

00:00 Introduction to Effective Communication

00:31 The 90 Second Reset Technique

02:13 Understanding the Impact of Internal State on Communication

03:25 Steps to Perform the 90 Second Reset

06:46 Client Success Story: Ally's Experience

11:09 Recap and Final Thoughts

12:31 Conclusion and Next Episode Preview

Ep 13: Reset Before You React: A Nurse Practitioner's Journey to Calmer Conversations | Ally McLean

TRANSCRIPT

Ally-Convo-Ep-13-EDITED

Annie Campanile: [00:00:00] You don't have to change your personality in order to change the impact of your communication. It seems illogical, because it seems like we have to have the right words in order to communicate effectively.

But actually, we have to have the right internal state, which I think is super liberating, because I don't have to have the right words. I just have to be able to recognize my survival response when it's active and calm it down and then speak.

I’m Dr. Annie Campanile, trauma survivor and professional coach, and today I'm sharing the 90 second reset technique that will help you have better conversations with your boss, your partner, and yes, even your kids. This isn't about memorizing the right words, it's about something much deeper.

So let's get [00:01:00] started.  

Welcome back to episode 12. In today's episode, I'm giving you a quick and powerful tool that can help you be honest without damaging your most important relationships at home, at work, and everywhere in between.

If you're someone who tends to get quiet in order to keep the peace when tensions rise, you might not think of that as damaging your relationships as compared to if you lashed out with anger. But think about this, what happens inside of you when you withhold your true thoughts and feelings? What happens to your frustration or sadness or anger when you don't express it?

If you're like me, those emotions become stronger and stronger until eventually you shut down completely or lose control and erupt with anger at [00:02:00] yourself or someone you care about. Wouldn't it be nice if you could avoid harming yourself and your relationships in just 90 seconds?

Well you can, and it isn't about knowing the right thing to say.

Here's what I've learned- when difficult conversations go badly, it's usually not because of what we said, but because of our internal state when we said it.

Picture this: your boss criticizes your work in front of coworkers. Your partner forgets your birthday- again. Your child rolls their eyes when you ask them to do something reasonable.

What happens in your body as you hear me describe those situations? For most of us, there's an immediate physical reaction as we go into survival mode. Some of us feel heat rushing to our face and neck. Others feel a heavy weight pressing down on our chest or a twisting sensation in our stomach. 

Your thoughts might race so quickly, you can barely grab onto one [00:03:00] before another takes its place. And here's the truth: once these physical reactions of fight, flight or freeze take over, you've lost the ability to communicate effectively before the conversation has even started. You simply cannot have an authentic connection with your coworker when your body is telling you that something is wrong and you need to protect yourself. 

So what's the solution? It's a three-step practice that I teach all of my coaching clients. I call it the 90 second reset. If you give it a try, this simple activity can transform not just individual conversations, but entire relationships, because in just 90 seconds you will reset your nervous system from survival mode to connection mode.

Here's how the 90 second reset works: Once you notice those physical reactions coming on as tension rises, connect with your body first by placing a hand on your chest and [00:04:00] feeling your feet on the floor. This brief moment of connection will interrupt the urgent impulse to react out of anger or fear. Next, breathe deeply.

Take two or three full breaths and notice what's happening in your body. For example, notice how your breath sounds and how your chest rises and falls as the breath enters and exits your body.

Giving your attention to any of your five senses, while you're taking these deep breaths, will help your nervous system to calm down even more.

And finally, talk to yourself on purpose. What do I mean by that? Well, most of us are talking to ourselves most of the time. Have you ever noticed that? You might even be talking to yourself right now while I'm talking to you! Usually our internal dialogue happens in the background, and we might not even pay attention to it.[00:05:00]

When we feel threatened in any way, that internal dialogue becomes negative and reinforces our distrust of the other person. But talking to ourselves on purpose is like a superpower for healthy communication because you choose the thoughts that you want to reinforce.

An example of what you might say is, “I can speak my truth with kindness,” or, “I want to connect with this person even if we disagree” or, “I'm going to listen to understand their perspective.”

Can you see how each of those statements calms the nervous system even more, because we're reconnecting to our power, to our ability to choose how we're going to engage with this person?

Once you've completed the 90 second reset, you can return to the conversation with a calm body, an open heart and a clear mind.

The science behind this is truly fascinating. A brain researcher named [00:06:00] Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor discovered that when an emotional reaction first hits our body, we get a rush of adrenaline and cortisol, which spark the urge to act by fighting or escaping the situation. However, that chemical reaction typically only lasts around 90 seconds.

That means that our initial survival reaction, that fight or flight response, will naturally begin to calm down in about a minute and a half if we don't keep it going with reactive behaviors or thoughts.

So to recap, the three steps of the 90 second reset are, one, connect to the body, two, breathe deeply, and three, talk to yourself on purpose. Usually I like to share stories about my coaching clients to illustrate what I'm talking about, but today you get to hear a story directly from a client herself, which is even better.

Allie is a nurse practitioner who's put a lot of care into [00:07:00] improving her communication skills, mainly by calming her nervous system before talking with her patients and her coworkers.

And she's volunteered to let you listen in on a conversation we had recently where she shared what a difference that has made.

Annie Campanile: Let's explore how things used to be in a previous role and how they are now and what's different.

Ally McLean: When we first connected it was because I had two colleagues, a nurse practitioner and a medical assistant, that for some reason - I don't even really know the reason why - but the interactions were negative. They were complaining about me. And so, I was approached by the manager that she's gotten complaints from these people, and that they wanted to help me.

And so this coaching opportunity was offered, and I mean, the best opportunity ever. A lot of it we focused on interactions with those coworkers and [00:08:00] how to stay calm and not reactionary. I mean, really stay out of the fight. I'm not a flighter, I'm a fighter.

Annie Campanile: Yeah.

Ally McLean: To stay out of that and just calm the nervous system, but it was like, if that person even came near me, the whole body would just feel tense and just ready to arm for a battle with that person, even if they just wanted to say hi, you know?

Even saying hi felt like an aggressive interaction like, “oh, well now I have to say hi to you. What if I don't wanna say hi to you?”

Annie Campanile: “What do you mean you're saying hi?”

Ally McLean: I mean, the, the job was great, but there were definitely personality conflicts that I didn't know how to navigate. And a history of always being told that the way I communicate is negative and just not soft [00:09:00] enough.

Annie Campanile: I think it's really important for those who are listening who've been told, “You're too direct, You're too abrupt. You need to be more friendly.”

You don't have to change your personality in order to change the impact of your communication. This is really important because rather than feeling like you have to change your personality or even change your words, if you get curious about what you believe is happening in the moment - Like you did Ally, where when somebody said hello, there was a part of you that thought, well, what do you mean? Hello? Like distrustful.

Ally McLean: Yes.

Annie Campanile: Our internal dialogue is actually the most important aspect of the impact of our communication. So if my internal dialogue is this person who's coming to say hello to me is not trustworthy or has it out for me.

I'm going to be in fight or flight mode when I talk to them and their nervous system is gonna feel that. [00:10:00] And then we're gonna have conflict. But the same person and the same words can feel different once we resolve that survival response.

Ally McLean: It's easy to see like now, but I think when you would say that it just, it didn't make a whole lot of sense I mean, how can I be saying the same sentence?

Right? It's literally one sentence and have my inside feel one way change how that one sentence is coming across. But it really is true.

Annie Campanile: Yeah it seems illogical. Because it seems like we have to have the right words in order to communicate effectively.

But actually we have to have the right internal state. Which I think is super liberating because I don't have to have the right words. I just have to be able to recognize my survival response when it's active and calm it down and then [00:11:00] speak.

Thank you for doing this, and thanks for being, part of the driving force in getting me to finally do a podcast.

Yes. I'm so glad you're doing it. It's great.

Annie Campanile: The magic of the 90 second reset is in creating the conditions where real, authentic connection becomes possible. From that calmer state, you can address difficult topics while maintaining the relationship. So this week I invite you to try the 90 second reset when you prepare for a conversation that might be stressful.

Here are the three steps once more: first, connect to your body by placing a hand on your chest and noticing your feet on the floor. Then breathe deeply two or three times. And finally, talk to yourself on purpose by saying something like, “I choose to connect with this person even if we disagree.” You can pause the conversation and do the 90 second reset [00:12:00] anytime you feel yourself going into survival mode.

Since our survival brain is always looking for signs of threat, it's really common to be triggered multiple times during a difficult conversation. That's why I love having a practice that only takes 90 seconds because the most important conversations deserve your full presence, not your survival response.

When you speak from connection rather than protection, you create space for real understanding, and it just feels a whole lot better. Thanks so much for joining me for another episode of Heal Your Trauma, Find Your Voice. If you try the 90 second reset, send me a DM on Instagram @DrAnnieCampanile and let me know so I can cheer you on. And if you'd like more activities, download my free guide. You'll find it on anniecampanile.com.

Next week I'll reveal what's really going on when you can't stop thinking about work, when your brain keeps spiraling around what you should have done differently [00:13:00] and what you should do better next time, we'll talk about how to shut that off so that you can start to untangle your self-worth from your to-do list. Close your laptop at the end of the day and truly enjoy your free time.

Until then, I'm Dr. Annie Campanile reminding you that healing is possible, and you don't have to do it alone. See you next week.