When Authenticity Backfires: What Leaders Need to Know About Being Real at Work
Nov 05, 2025
We’re told that authenticity is the key to great leadership.
Be real. Be transparent. Be yourself.
But what happens when being yourself gets used against you?
Many women leaders have lived this. The same directness that earns respect in one setting is labeled intimidating in another. The calm composure that keeps a meeting on track gets mistaken for coldness. And the empathy that makes people feel safe can be dismissed as too emotional.
It’s confusing. It’s exhausting.
And it leaves many strong, capable leaders wondering, “Is it even safe to be my authentic self at work?”
Even the most experienced leaders, especially those who care deeply about people and relationships, find themselves wrestling with this question.
When Authenticity Gets Misunderstood
Here’s the tricky part: when people misunderstand your authenticity, it might not actually be your authentic self they’re reacting to.
In moments of stress or uncertainty, it’s easy to believe we’re being genuine when in reality, we’re speaking and acting from self-protection.
That guarded version of you, the one that tenses your shoulders, sharpens your tone, or rushes to stay in control, feels authentic because it’s so familiar and automatic. But it’s not the "real" you.
That’s your defensive self taking the lead.
It’s the version of you that steps forward when your nervous system senses threat, even if the threat is only imagined.
And that’s where things start to break down.
Because when the defensive self is running the show, others can feel the tension even if you’re saying all the right things. What they’re reacting to isn’t your authenticity, it’s your survival mode.
Authenticity or Survival?
Here’s the truth most leadership advice misses:
You can’t be authentic when your nervous system is in survival mode.
Your authentic self is who you are when you are open, honest, and not defending yourself.
When your body feels safe, your natural strength and warmth come through effortlessly.
But when you’re communicating from survival and in response to threat (micro-managing, criticizing, or heaping insincere praise on people), you’re not being authentic. You’re being protective.
That protective energy is a survival response, not a leadership style.
It’s not who you really are; it’s who you become when your body doesn’t feel safe.
This isn’t weakness. It’s physiology. And it's helpful when your safety truly is at risk.
When your nervous system senses threat, your fight–flight–freeze–fawn responses take over, even in a boardroom. And no matter how good your intentions are, other people feel that tension too.
This understanding is what makes authentic leadership at work so powerful. It’s not just about honesty or transparency. It’s about the capacity to stay grounded and connected, even when the stakes are high.
When “Strong” Becomes “Defensive”
Take "Francis," a hospital chief officer I once coached. (*Francis is a fictitious character based on dozens of executives I've coached over the years)
She valued relationships and saw herself as approachable. But her team described her as intimidating and demeaning, and peers said they didn’t fully trust her.
As we talked, I noticed her jaw clench and shoulders rise—subtle signs of the fight response.
When I asked how often she felt the need to defend herself at work, she didn’t hesitate: “All the time.”
Francis didn't mean to be harsh; she was on guard. Her nervous system was constantly preparing for a fight, and everyone around her could feel the impact of that tension.
Despite her best intentions, she simply couldn't share her authentic self and her colleagues couldn't trust her.
Francis's defensive energy was being misread as aggression.
When she learned to calm her nervous system and get out of survival mode , her tone, body language, and presence shifted.
She didn’t have to intentionally “soften” her communication, she simply stopped communicating from fear.
And that’s when her authentic self finally came through.
The Missing Skill in Authentic Leadership
We can’t help others feel safe with us if we don’t feel safe in our own body.
That’s why nervous-system awareness is the missing link so many conversations about authentic leadership and executive presence leave out.
When you’re not in survival mode, authenticity flows naturally, so you can...
- speak clearly without defensiveness.
- lead confidently without needing to control.
- create safety for others just by being yourself.
That is trauma-informed leadership in action.
The Sunshine Exercise
If you notice yourself feeling tense or anxious, take 30 seconds to try this:
- Place a hand on the center of your chest.
- Take a slow, full breath.
- Imagine warm, golden sunlight bathing you and filling your body—through the top of your head, your chest, down your body, and out the soles of your feet.
- As you keep breathing, picture that sunlight spreading calm through every cell.
This simple somatic grounding practice signals to your nervous system that you are safe, helping you access and share your authentic self.
Take 30 seconds to practice it before any difficult conversation, presentation, or feedback session.
You’ll show up steady, clear, and confident, and others will appreciate your authenticity.
Main Takeaway
Your authenticity isn’t something you need to prove.
It’s what naturally emerges when your nervous system is regulated and you aren’t in survival mode.
When you lead from that place, you can be direct without being harsh, steady without being cold, and confident without being defensive.
That’s authentic leadership.
Coming Up Next
The next episode drops just in time for the holidays—a season when drama often runs high.
I’ll share the 4 things that drive every conflict and my number-one secret for resolving them, even when the conflict has been active for years.
Conflict doesn’t have to create distance. It can actually build trust, when you know how to navigate it.
Free Resource
If you want practical tools to lead with calm authority and strengthen trust on your team, download my FREE Executive Presence Starter Kit.
You’ll receive actionable tips to build confidence, connection, and composure, even under pressure.
Dive Deeper
If you’re ready to stop fearing conflict at work and start leading with clarity and confidence, explore Executive Coaching with Dr. Annie Campanile.
You’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, build trust on your team, and embody the executive presence that earns lasting respect.
