Ep 19: When a Team Member Shuts Down: How to Reopen Communication Without Overstepping

Have you ever had a team member suddenly go silent... stop replying to your messages... or even quit without warning?

In high-performing teams, breakdowns in communication can happen fast—and when they do, it’s tempting to either ignore it or push for answers. But what if the silence isn’t defiance... but a sign of Cactus Trust—a trauma-informed response that shuts others out to feel safe?

In this episode, I’m kicking off a powerful 3-part series on boundaries in professional relationships, starting with rigid boundaries—the kind that block progress, stall collaboration, and leave leaders stuck.

You’ll hear a real coaching story about a senior leader navigating a silent, withdrawn team member—and how a simple 3-step tool called the Connection Bridge helped re-open communication without overstepping.

💡 After Listening You'll Learn:

• Why some team members shut down in response to feedback or tension
• A 3-step process to re-open communication gently and clearly
• How to lead with compassion and structure, even when a team member won’t talk
  
  

🛠️ Try This Week’s Practice:

Use The Connection Bridge with a team member who's pulled away:

1. Name what you’re seeing
   
   
2. Offer one structural adjustment
   
   
3. Ask one yes/no question to reopen the door
   
   

🔗 Links + Resources Mentioned:

• Listen to Episode 8 on Cactus Trust
• Listen to Episode 17 When a Doctor built healthier boundaries

✨ Next Week’s Topic:
We’ll unpack loose boundaries—when team members overshare, say yes to everything, or blur the lines. I’ll show you how to stay grounded and set kind, clear expectations.

TRANSCRIPT 

Ep 19: When a Team Member Shuts Down: How to Reopen Communication Without Overstepping

[00:00:00]

Have you ever had a team member suddenly stop replying to your messages, quit without notice or tell you you crossed a boundary that you didn't even know was there? As a leader, you want to understand where they're coming from, but you're also responsible for keeping the work moving forward. So, what can you do when someone on your team goes quiet at the first sign of tension?

I’m Dr. Annie Campanile, trauma-informed Executive Coach, and today I'll show you how to respond when that happens, so you can rebuild team collaboration and move the work forward.

I'm excited to kick off a 3 part series on boundaries in professional relationships, because when boundaries are unclear or overstepped, communication gets messy, and even the best teams start to unravel.

Today we're going to explore something called rigid boundaries, the kind that shut down communication. Next week we'll cover soft boundaries, the kind that lead to oversharing and gossip. And in two [00:01:00] weeks I'll help you get to the healthy middle ground, where real trust and clear communication thrive.

But before you can establish those healthy boundaries within your team, you might need to have some difficult conversations first, just like my client, who I'll call Jordan. A few years ago, I was coaching Jordan, a senior leader who managed a high performing team at a technology company.

One of her team members, we'll call Marcus, was known for being smart, working fast, and communicating directly. He had strong opinions and usually didn't hesitate to share them. But whenever his work was critiqued during a typical project review meeting, his direct comments disappeared.

His engagement shifted and he put up rigid boundaries. He stopped talking in the meeting, delayed his responses to emails, and even skipped future project meetings. From Jordan's perspective, the situation was confusing and frustrating. Marcus was a top performer, and she valued his [00:02:00] expertise.

Her intention behind the project critiques wasn't to nitpick Marcus's or anybody else's work, it was to help them grow. She wanted to support Marcus's development and prepare him for a more senior role, where cross-functional collaboration and collaborative reviews were standard parts of the job.

But instead of engaging in dialogue, Marcus told her, "I'm just setting boundaries with people who don't respect my expertise." Jordan was stuck trying to overcome a pattern of avoidance that made it hard to move forward or for anyone to collaborate effectively with Marcus.

By the time she started coaching with me, Jordan had already tried asking Marcus to explain what was bothering him. And she tried to reassure him that his expertise was respected, but each time she tried that, Marcus had changed the subject, making it clear that he was not willing to talk about it.

I've seen this pattern show up on teams that I've led too. It's hard to navigate when you're trying to support someone's growth, but they keep shutting you out. Rigid boundaries like [00:03:00] Marcus's are a classic example of what I call Cactus Trust, a survival strategy I described in episode eight.

Cactus Trust is based on the belief that if I let people get too close, they'll hurt me, so I'm gonna keep 'em out. As a leader, it's important to remember that people don't build these rigid boundaries just to be difficult.They build them in order to feel safe.

Marcus may have had past experiences where feedback felt like a personal attack or where being open led to embarrassment or rejection for him. Shutting down or avoiding communication might've made sense in those situations, but now it was keeping him from growing and keeping his team from succeeding.

Now that you know that rigid boundaries might come from a traumatic experience, does it mean that you need to just overlook it when a colleague won't talk and says it's because one of their unspoken boundaries was crossed? Not at all. It means that it's time to respond with both empathy and structure.

When Jordan talked with me about the situation, [00:04:00] she was at a crossroads. She didn't want to lose Marcus because he was a strong contributor, but the communication breakdown was affecting the whole team. Deadlines were slipping, people were getting irritated, and collaboration had stalled and nothing she had tried was working.

That's when I shared a simple approach with Jordan. One I've seen many leaders use to turn things around when communication has broken down. I call it The Connection Bridge. It's a simple three step approach to reopen communication with a team member who's pulled back.

Here's how it works:

1. First name the behavior that you're seeing clearly and without blame.
2. Step two is offer one predictable next step, something tangible that can give structure or choice to the person.
3. And third, ask one simple yes or no question to open the door to problem solving and see if the person agrees.

Here's how it sounded when Jordan practiced the way that she would say this to Marcus:

To name it Jordan [00:05:00] said, “Marcus. I noticed that since the last round of project critiques, you've stopped sharing your ideas in project meetings. It's important that we reopen communication on the team.” To offer structure, Jordan said, “I can deliver critiques to you in a one-on-one meeting before our group meetings, so you're not hearing it for the first time in a larger setting.”

And for her, yes or no question, Jordan asked, “Would that help you come to project meetings more prepared and open to discussion?”

After holding the conversation with Marcus, Jordan told me that The Connection Bridge had not sparked a deep conversation, but it did lead to a useful exchange.

Marcus had nodded and said, “Yeah, that would work better.” He didn't elaborate, but he did start showing up to meetings again, and when Jordan followed through consistently by delivering that feedback to him in one-on-ones before the group meetings, Marcus began to participate more, and eventually he fully reengaged with the team.

It's important to note that Jordan didn't pressure Marcus to explain himself or process [00:06:00] emotions with her. Instead, she focused on clear communication and small adjustments that created a solid path forward.

And that's really the key. It's not a leader's responsibility, or even their right, really, to unpack the deeper reasons behind a team member's rigid boundaries. That's for the individual to explore, if and when they choose, just like the doctor I told you about in episode 17.

The leader's role is to build their own communication skills and the emotional intelligence needed to create a doorway through a rigid boundary, like Jordan did with Marcus, so even people with rigid boundaries can become active collaborative members of the team again.

But I do wanna acknowledge that this doesn't always work. Some people are so deeply rooted in Cactus Trust that nothing you try will open the door. In those cases, you may need to set a rigid boundary of your own, including formal steps like disciplinary action. That doesn't make you an ineffective communicator or a bad leader.

In fact, it makes you a [00:07:00] responsible leader, because you're not there to chase after anyone's approval or walk on eggshells with your colleagues. You're there to lead. And sometimes that means holding firm boundaries in the form of job expectations and organizational values.

But very often you will find that The Connection Bridge does the trick. So if there's someone on your team who tends to withdraw, go silent or shut down when things get tense. I invite you to try The Connection Bridge this week.

Here are the three steps once more.

1. First name it, briefly describe the behavior you observed.
2. Then offer structure by stating one thing that you're willing to do, and
3. third, ask one yes or no question to find out if the person agrees to what you've offered.

As leaders, we cannot force open dialogue during difficult conversations, but we can create the conditions for it. When you recognize rigid boundaries, not as defiance, but as a survival response, you unlock new ways to lead with [00:08:00] compassion and clarity.

If you try The Connection Bridge this week, send me a DM at Dr. Annie Campanile and let me know how it went. And if you found this episode helpful, please click those five stars and share it with a colleague.

Next week, we'll tackle the opposite kind of boundaries. I'll show you how to respond when a team member shares too much or says yes to everything, so you can set clear expectations without breaking trust.

Until then, I'm Dr. Annie Campanile reminding you that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. See you next time.