In this episode, I'm sharing an unexpected experience my husband Christopher and I had on a dark Montana highway that revealed just how differently two people can respond to the same event, and how a certain type of support can help.

Past experiences can condition us to anticipate blame, rejection, or conflict, even when the present situation is different. These expectations can affect our confidence, our relationships, and how we handle difficult conversations at work.

I'll show you why you may keep expecting criticism, what this means for healthcare leaders who want to build trust on their teams, and a simple, trauma-informed exercise to help you begin responding differently.

In This Episode

00:00 – Why You May Expect Criticism Even When No One Is Criticizing You

02:15 – The Hidden Reason Two People React Differently to the Same Crisis

05:00 – How an Unexpected Response Can Begin Changing Old Expectations

06:00 – What Leaders Can Do When Employees Expect Blame

07:15 – The 90-Second Exercise That Reveals What You're Conditioned to Expect

Resources

• Focused Leadership Coaching: Explore my eight-week private coaching program for leaders who want to approach difficult conversations with greater confidence.

Other Episodes You’ll Love

• Always on Edge at Work? Do This to Get Out of Survival Mode Fast
• What’s Really Driving Conflict on Your Team (And Why Many Leaders Miss It)

Next Time

The holiday season is approaching, and we're exploring healthy boundaries. I'll be sharing a conversation in which I was interviewed about cultivating boundaries that support stronger relationships at work, so you can pause before you please and provide support without removing responsibility.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Annie Campanile: How many of your team members continuously brace for conflict because of their own conditioning, not necessarily because of your leadership. They may be expecting criticism instead of care when they make a mistake. They may be expecting disaster instead of collaboration when an unexpected event occurs. 

 This month I've been reflecting on the different ways people respond to the exact same event, and how those responses either can generate fear, separation, internal and interpersonal conflict, or the same exact event can generate connection and relationship and hope. My husband Christopher and I got to experience this firsthand recently when we were driving in the pitch black darkness around Flathead Lake in my home state of Montana.

We had [00:01:00] traveled to Montana in order to join my mom in celebrating her art show, at a gallery in Whitefish. Montana. My mom is a brilliant painter, who has had art shows before, but until now she had never attended one herself because she was too nervous, too uncomfortable.

Even though she received accolades, something in her internal conditioning expected criticism.

So when she told my brother and me that she was going to have this art showing and she wanted us to come, I was so happy.

 It was a wonderful evening, beautiful weather, everything perfect. Then Christopher and I loaded a large painting of my mom's into the back of their Jeep Grand Cherokee, and while my parents drove in a different vehicle, Christopher and I took the Jeep Grand Cherokee and headed south to their home. Now, this is a vehicle my parents have had for many years. It has more than 200,000 miles on it. They adore this Jeep. Okay, so [00:02:00] here we are driving around Flathead Lake in the pitch-black darkness, really no traffic.

We're having a relaxed conversation. We're reflecting on how wonderful the, the art showing was and how much fun we had just had when, bam, we hit a deer. The deer popped out of nowhere. Christopher had no time to even understand what was happening, much less try to avoid the deer, and the Jeep came to a screeching halt.

An unexpected event had occurred, and it was dramatic, and it was not wanted. Now I, having grown up in Montana and had very positive experiences in general driving around Montana, I found that I started to feel calmer. Even though I was worried about my parents' Jeep, and This was a negative event, my nervous system calmed down because I expected that very quickly somebody would stop to help us.

Whereas Christopher grew up in a chaotic city where he had [00:03:00] to be prepared, and he was prepared to fight on a moment's notice throughout his childhood. His nervous system started to get more activated and his fight response started getting agitated because he wanted to make sure to keep me safe. And as he anticipated someone stopping, he expected danger, whereas I expected support.

Within about five minutes, we saw headlights behind us. And I thought, "Oh, yay." And he thought, "Oh, boy." So Christopher asked me to stay in the Jeep so that he could make sure this was safe. I could see him walking with a sense of purpose, prepared in case there was a confrontation.

But very quickly, I heard voices that seemed upbeat, and he walked around to the front of the Jeep with two women who were eager to help.

We determined we should pull off as far as we could on the side of the road and not try to drive any further. So after they had gone on their way, Christopher and I looked at our phones because we thought, "Okay, who should we call?

My parents first, the highway patrol?" [00:04:00] And then we realized our phones were almost dead.

We had enough juice to call my parents and tell them what had happened. Christopher was really nervous and worried that they were gonna get mad. That was part of his conditioning as well. I had a little bit of that fear, but I also thought, "You know what?

This happens a lot in Montana, and I bet they'll understand." So again, my nervous system was relatively calm. His nervous system was staying in fight or flight.

We were able to tell them where we were, and they were about 45 minutes away, so they started heading in our direction, and our phones died. We hadn't had a chance to call a tow truck or anyone else, and we couldn't charge our phones because we didn't have a cord that fit our phones.

Soon another car pulled up behind us, and in this car was a friendly older gentleman who happened to have a cord that charged Christopher's phone.

So while we waited, Christopher stood by that guy's car, and they chatted, and his phone charged, and the whole experience began to be warm and uplifting.

The reason I share this story with you is that [00:05:00] Christopher's and my conditioning from all of our life experiences and, and all the ways that we have coached ourselves in order to keep ourselves safe, it caused us to have completely different responses to the same experience.

Thankfully, in the end, this whole scenario was a healing experience for Christopher, and it was really reassuring for me because my parents were understanding. They kept reassuring Christopher, "It's okay. It is okay. We understand. We don't blame you."

And while it is awful that my parents' Jeep was totaled and the final days of our vacation with them were taken over by dealing with insurance, the insurance came through. They took care of my parents.

It drew us all closer to one another, and perhaps most importantly, Christopher now has a lived experience of receiving care and reassurance when he expected danger and criticism.

This has really gotten me wondering [00:06:00] how many of your team members continuously brace for conflict because of their own conditioning, not necessarily because of your leadership. They may be expecting criticism instead of care when they make a mistake. They may be expecting disaster instead of collaboration when an unexpected event occurs.

Although you can't overcome your team's conditioning, just like I couldn't overcome Christopher's, you can help your team shift their perspectives by being consistent in your messaging when they make a mistake, reassuring them, "We all make mistakes. Let's learn from this. Let's come together. How can we move forward together?"

And honestly, most importantly, you can shift your own perspective of what you expect when you make a mistake or when something unexpected beyond your control occurs under your leadership.

As you hear me say often, conflict is natural. It's going to happen internally when we have conflict among our thoughts of, "Oh gosh, this is a disaster. Oh, maybe it'll work out. Oh no, I made a mistake." All that internal [00:07:00] conflict leads to external conflict if we don't calm our nervous systems first. But drama is optional.

So for today's 90-second activity, I wanna encourage you to get curious. Think about a stressful event that occurred recently for you. It could be at home, at work, on the road, it doesn't matter. A stressful event that you didn't expect. As you bring that event to mind, your nervous system and your whole body will respond as if you were, right back there.

So notice what muscles got tight. Notice how your breathing might change. Notice what happens in your mind, and then get really curious about what you believed would happen. Do you have a belief that somebody will come to help you? Do you have a belief that you better be ready to fight?

Awareness of these beliefs is truly the key to everything that you want in terms of drama-free communication and healthy conflict or healing conflict even. So for just [00:08:00] 90 seconds, we don't wanna w- have you relive the whole event, but just for 90 seconds, reflect on an event that for you is stressful just so that you can notice how you respond internally.

What are you conditioned to expect? And if your conditioning is something that sparks fear or anxiety or dread, take another deep breath. Feel your feet on the floor. Maybe look out the window. I'm looking out the window right now, and I see amazing fall colors. As I do that, my nervous system relaxes.

All of this is a continual process of small moments of recognizing the communication that's occurring internally on a physical level, an emotional level, a mental level.

All of those aspects of ourselves are communicating all the time. We don't have to continue being carried by our conditioning and bracing for something stressful, bracing for conflict, bracing for criticism. It may not be right around the corner. What might be right around the corner [00:09:00] is what Christopher experienced with my parents in Montana: love, compassion, understanding.

Why not? You're worthy of that too.

 If you'd like one-on-one support, check out my eight-week Focused Leadership coaching program. You can shift, truly. I've seen clients do it over and over again. You can shift from bracing for conflict and expecting the worst to being able to leave a difficult conversation feeling grounded, confident, and that conversation was productive.

Annie Campanile: At this stage of season two, where I have brought in interviews and I have more interviews planned, I'd really appreciate your feedback because this is a different approach from season one, where all the episodes were like today's, where it was just me. Please leave a review and let me know. Do you want more interviews? Do you want more solo episodes? It really helps support the show.

Next time we're gonna be starting to enter the holiday season, and I thought what better time of year than the holidays to talk about [00:10:00] boundaries?

We're gonna flip the script a little bit. I'm going to be sharing an interview where I was being interviewed exploring what do healthy boundaries look like? How do we cultivate them? And how can a boundary be like a picket fence?

I hope you'll join me. And until then, I'm Dr. Annie Campanile reminding you that conflict is natural and drama is optional. See you next time.