Ep 20: When Boundaries Are Too Open at Work: How to Respond to Gossip and Micromanagement Without Breaking Trust

You’re spending more time mediating team drama than leading your team—and it’s exhausting. One person is constantly checking up on their coworkers, calling out unfinished tasks, and stressing over work that’s not even theirs. Meanwhile, the rest of your team is walking on eggshells to avoid the next emotional outburst.

If you’ve ever had a team member who means well but ends up creating tension, today’s episode is for you.

I’m diving into what’s really behind this behavior (hint: it’s not just about control), and I’ll walk you through a real-life example of how one of my clients used a simple, 3-step strategy called the Connection Bridge to reset expectations and calm the chaos—without shaming anyone or triggering more drama.

You’ll learn:

• What “open boundaries” look like in the workplace
• Why well-meaning employees sometimes take on too much
• How to set clear, kind boundaries that protect your team’s culture
• What to say exactly when someone’s behavior is crossing the line

If you’re tired of team members policing each other and just want everyone to do their job without the drama, this episode will show you how to lead with both strength and sensitivity.

🎧 Press play to learn how to shift your team dynamic and lead with clarity (and peace).

✨ Resources mentioned:

• Free Empowerment Guide
• DM me on Instagram @dranniecampanile if you'd like to be coached live on the show!
• Listen to episode 7 for more on Velcro Trust
• Listen to episode 19 for more on The Connection Bridge

TRANSCRIPT 

Ep 20: When Boundaries Are Too Open at Work: How to Respond to Gossip and Micromanagement Without Breaking Trust

[00:00:00]

Have you ever had a team member who seems to take responsibility for everything, even things that aren't theirs to manage? They check up on other people's work. They point out mistakes that aren't theirs to address, or they vent about how other people aren't pulling their weight. And their coworkers are fed up.

You want to build a culture of shared responsibility on your team - not micromanaging or gossip - but you're not sure how to correct the behavior without sparking even more drama.

I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, trauma-informed Executive Coach, and in today's episode, I will show you how to stop the drama and reset expectations so your team can move forward together.

Last week we talked about rigid boundaries and what you could do when an employee refuses to engage in difficult conversations. This week we're exploring the other end of the spectrum: open boundaries.

What I mean by open boundaries is that there's no discernible separation between me and my coworkers. If I have open boundaries, I not only work hard [00:01:00] to ensure that I do a good job, I also monitor my coworkers to make sure they're doing what I think they're supposed to.

Although this irritates my teammates, I think I'm being helpful. I don't understand why people are frustrated with me when I'm just trying to help, and that can lead to all kinds of drama.

When a person with open boundaries assumes responsibility for something that belongs to someone else, they can become very stressed when their colleague does their job in a different way, even when the outcome is good and you as the leader are happy with it.

Before you know it, the whole team is taking sides and gossiping about one another, and no one will confront the employee because they've tried that in the past and she either broke down in tears or erupted in anger.

This is a really common dynamic and you might even have a team member on your mind as I'm talking. It takes up a lot of time and energy for leaders who just want to develop high functioning, happy teams, so they can focus on the big picture.

Now, in case I'm [00:02:00] triggering your own survival response right now, let's pause for a moment and take a deep breath together. Alright.

If you've dealt with this problem on your own team, you might have tried telling your employee to “Stay in your lane,” or, “Don't worry about what other people are doing, just focus on your own tasks.”

But that hasn't worked because open boundaries are a sign that your employees survival brain is telling them the risk of not monitoring everything and everyone is just too high. Let's look at this in a bit more detail.

People with open boundaries often care deeply about doing a good job, so they won't make any mistakes, disappoint their boss or get in trouble.

They want close relationships with their coworkers and their customers, and they might be dealing with a very difficult or painful life at home.

Now, whatever that is for them, it's not your responsibility to even understand it or to resolve it, but it is helpful to remember that this person's fight or flight response is probably active [00:03:00] most of the time, and that really makes it harder for them to think rationally or to change their behavior.

So what can you do if you're facing the situation on your team? Let me answer by sharing the story of my client, who I'll call Nicole.

Nicole was a director of development for a large nonprofit. One of her direct reports, who I'll call Dana, was the development coordinator known for being detail oriented and deeply committed to the organization's mission.

Dana thoroughly checked her work to make sure she never made a mistake, and she often stayed late during fundraising events to make sure things ran smoothly, even though that was not her job.

Being a team player is one thing, but the problem for Nicole was that Dana was constantly checking up on other team members, calling out unfinished tasks during team meetings, sending reminder emails about deliverables that she thought others had overlooked and venting to Nicole about who wasn't doing enough.

Nicole arrived at a coaching session one day [00:04:00] looking frazzled. She was 10 minutes late, which was unusual for her. And her shoulders were so tense, they nearly touched her ears.

Nicole sat down her half-drunk coffee with a sigh and rubbed her temples for a moment before saying, “I need to do something about Dana.

“I appreciate her work ethic, but she's really becoming a problem. It seems like every day begins with a new complaint from one of my other team members who say they're fed up with her micromanaging their work, but they can't talk to Dana directly because they don't want to deal with her reactions.

“I'm late today because one of my top performers was having a meltdown about Dana commenting on his work. I'm worried that I might lose him if I can't get Dana to stop it. I don't want to crush Dana's spirit, and I really don't want to lose her 'cause I do appreciate how much she cares, but something has to change. I can't keep spending hours of every day dealing with this team drama.”

This situation with Dana is a classic example of what I call Velcro trust, which I described in [00:05:00] episode seven. When someone doesn't feel emotionally safe or fully in control of their lives, they might try to secure their place on the team by over involving themselves.

Instead of trusting their boss or their coworkers to do their own jobs well, a person with Velcro trust tries to hold it all together themselves. And they believe they're being helpful, so they push back when someone asks them to stop.

It can sound like this: “I just want to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. I'm not trying to be difficult. I just care too much. If I don't take care of it, who will?”

This behavior doesn't mean they're trying to disrespect their colleagues or you as their leader. It means they need more structure and reassurance. They need help understanding that it's safe for them to not only focus on what they're actually responsible for, but also to know that if a mistake is made, the world's not going to come to an end.

Last week I described how to use a [00:06:00] simple three step process called the Connection Bridge to address rigid boundaries. We can use that same approach here, but with a slightly different focus.

The three steps of the connection bridge are:

1. One, name the behavior you are observing and be specific.
2. Two, offer structure to shift the person's behavior.
3. And three, ask one yes or no question to find out if the person agrees with what you offered.

Let me show you how this works by sharing how Nicole used the connection bridge with Dana. In our coaching session, Nicole realized that she had been putting off the conversation with Dana because she didn't want to make things worse.

She said, “Honestly, I think part of me has been afraid she'll get upset again, and I just don't have the energy for another meltdown.” To help Nicole move forward, I said, “That makes a lot of sense. It is totally natural to want to avoid emotional confrontations, but we both know this can't be put off forever, and I hear you saying [00:07:00] that you really do want to address this.

“So before your conversation with Dana, take a moment to check in with yourself. If you notice you're feeling frustrated or anxious, or you're bracing for resistance, that's a sign that your own survival response might be activated. If that happens, just pause for a moment. Take a nice full breath, feel your feet on the floor, and reconnect with your intention, which you said isn't to criticize Dana, but to establish a healthy boundary and provide support without removing responsibility.

“That brief pause will set the foundation for authentic connection with Dana. Otherwise, if you lead the conversation from your own survival mode, Dana's nervous system will pick up on it and reinforce hers, making it more likely that she'll break down into tears or lash out like she has in the past.

“That might still happen because she is in survival most of the time, but if you first ground yourself and calm [00:08:00] your survival response, it'll be easier for you to pause and manage it if her emotions do come to the surface.”

Nicole decided to walk through those steps right there with me in the office. So she stood up, she took a breath, she felt her feet on the floor, and then she practiced how she might use the connection bridge with Dana. So here are the three steps again and what they sounded like for Nicole.

Step one, name the behavior that you're seeing, and be specific.

For Nicole, this sounded like, “Dana each day over the past week, I've heard you criticize the way your coworkers do their jobs, even though their work is not your responsibility and they haven't asked for your feedback. It's important to me that each person on our team have the freedom to do their job their way, as long as the outcomes support our goals.”

Step two, offer structure to shift the person's behavior. For Nicole, here's what that sounded like. “I want to assure you that I am keeping track of our [00:09:00] team's progress toward our goals. I need you to focus on your work and trust that I will address any gaps that might occur with others. You will not get in trouble if someone else doesn't do their job.

“So when you get the urge to manage or criticize a colleague's work, I want you to ask yourself this question: ‘Is this something Nicole wants me to handle?’ If you're unsure, come to me privately and we'll decide together. That way you'll be free to do the great work you want to do the way you want to do it, and your coworkers will get the same respect and opportunity.”

And then step three of the connection bridge is Ask a simple yes or no question to find out if the person agrees with what you've offered. And here's what Nicole practiced: “Would that help take some pressure off of you and make expectations more clear?”

After Nicole practiced with me in that coaching session, we talked through how Dana might respond and Nicole decided to hold the connection bridge conversation the very next day.[00:10:00]

Later, Nicole told me that Dana had been quiet at first, but then she had replied. “Honestly, I'm not sure if that will help. I just don't want things to fall apart.”

Even though Nicole, of course had hoped that for a better response, this gave Nicole an opening to once again affirm Dana's commitment to excellence and remind her that protecting the team's culture was also part of her job.

I do want to acknowledge that people with open boundaries and Velcro trust rarely shift their behavior overnight, especially if their behavior is driven by anxiety or unresolved trauma or their sense of identity. It might feel really scary for them to stop micromanaging everything.

You might have to repeat the connection bridge conversation more than once, or even get human resources involved to help you. But when leaders offer structure and clear expectations without shame, it becomes easier for the employee to trust and to focus on their own job, and then the rest of the team can breathe a little sigh of [00:11:00] relief.

So if someone on your team tends to gossip, monitor their coworkers, or take responsibility for things that are not part of their jobs, I want to invite you to try the Connection Bridge to set a simple boundary without damaging trust.

Here are the three steps once more. First, name the behavior that you're seeing and be specific. Then offer structure to shift their behavior. And finally, ask one yes or no question, to see if the person agrees to what you suggested.

Open boundaries often come from a genuine desire to help, plus a strong fear of failure. By being both sensitive and strong, you can help your employee feel safe enough to trust you and the rest of the team.

This is a topic I'm sure I'll cover in more episodes, and in fact, I'm considering adding live coaching sessions to the show.

If you'd like my help working through a communication challenge on your own team, let me know by clicking the [00:12:00] link in the show notes or send me a DM on Instagram at Dr. Annie Campanile.

It would be fun to bring a live conversation to the show and I'd be happy to help you with the challenges you might be facing on your team.

Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of Heal Your Trauma. Find your Voice. If you'd like more activities to protect your energy and clarify your boundaries, download my free empowerment guide. You'll find the link in today's show notes or on anniecampanile.com.

Next week we'll wrap up our series on boundaries by focusing on how to recognize and set healthy boundaries at work so you can stop managing team drama and lead the work that moves your team forward.

Until then, I'm Dr. Annie Campanile reminding you that thriving in leadership is possible and you don't have to do it alone.

See you next time.